Why I want to concentrate on school is not why I want this war to end.
I can save it, I've thought, but
I can't by myself, without the family's help
We've all been through such hardship and horrid things
And I know what you're going through a great deal
Because I went through it and I'm still full of
Problems.

I've tried everything, and that is why I am so confused.
Calm, serious, sad, glad, meek, angry, annoyed, defensive,
Name-calling, throwing out offensive things.
It's all a whirlpool, a soupy, murky water, that is dilluted,
And that, more than anything is why I am such a wreck on the inside.
It's all this way, a tangled web of mess,
Because it all doesn't get sorted out.

It's like sorting out anything, because
If things mix, it gets more complicated,

And I know that you are intelligent, and that you have knowledge of many many
Things, and I compliment you on things, but
Just because you can't see something, or that you
Don't think it is right, doesn't mean it's wrong at all.

In my experiences out, alone, by myself, from the safety of home, with
People: all kinds of people, crazy people, people who get angry,
People who are nice, people who are nice until they are inconvenienced by you,
Professors full of advice, and a lot of knowledge that is learned only from experience, and of course a lot
From books, but the book stuff isn't too important.

And to prove that this is real, is when even something little happens,
Everyone gets, especially Mom, and I at least I know, 
Get so upset on the inside, and this stress packed dialogue comes out, like 'ahhhh
shit', and sighing deeply because something gets
knocked over.  This is the most real thing, if you want to 
Talk about what I am feeling.  Many things have got to be causing this, and we need to sort them
All out.  This is because
All of our stress and this clustered web of mess, that is tangled
Resides in all of us; Mom and I especially.
There are issues, because I feel them all in a core in my heart.  It's crying, but
I'm not, and I don't know how to make them all clear to you.

I know that you have said
And what you might say:
There is no problem, or relax or calm down, don't worry.
This is impossible, and anyone who knows about this
debocle or who has experienced this would agree.
There's a disconnect if you don't think that there are problems.

I want to reconnect that, and everything, but we'll all need to help.

It's not enough to say that I am or you are sorry, or
For anyone to say they are sorry.
Threats and yelling don't do anything much at all.

The swimming of ups and downs of emotions,
The mean, then irritated, then aggravated,
Then jittery, then my heart is pounding,
Then then, ooph, I've GOT to say SOMETHING,
I can't be silent!  And then enraged then passive
Then shattered, then quiet, and after many hours
And maybe days, I am calmer again.
Maybe being silence is the best option.

The cycle goes around and around again.

Maybe you hold on to a hateful, powerful
Grudge that comes from who I used to be,
Several years ago, when I was an alien person
Compared to the way I am now; that is to say
I am completely different than even 6 months ago,
The person I am now, and I am certain that you've changed
A great deal from when you were younger.  I know you have.

Does this--and I am being completely serious--the medicine
Have some affect that causes things like aggravation
And whatever else may be to be amplified?
I think it might, and me being your Brother, who cares about you;
It IS my place to say.
How can I remain aside when I notice something that I think is one of the
Many issues revolving round our family at an alarming rate; rotating
Furiously about our orbit?

I am family, and it's impossible to say that this is not
My business, because it's not about 'he said' 'she said'
Or anything.  This is reality, and no game.  I am concerned
And saying that I shouldn't be, and that I shouldn't want things to
Improve is unrealistic.

A family is not what we are right now.
Nothing is inter-personal, meaning that
We don't discuss things in a level, sound way
That would result in the answer and the bettering of us all
And the progress and resourceful result.

I try at it, but no matter how hard I try, or how hard or how many times
I jog to better my body and mind, or clean up the living room, vacumn, or 
do dishes or anything--I do all of this in my desperation, of course to help out
But it's bigger than that, since I cannot improve things and interactions within
The family alone.  It is impossible to do alone.  I do it also because I am confused. 

Me being changed from a lifeless, depressed person who now is
Doing things to progress their dream, and being on time
Usually, and trying to improve things, does not mean
That I have no more of these problems.

I have a whole new set of problems, and I am no quitter, and
I am sad... and I am almost at the point of crying, but I cannot cry,
And I really really really want to so badly, just to let all of these
Conflicting things out of me, and I hope you understand all of this,
And to just prove how serious I am.

I can't beleive how non-serious I am taken, about the things
I feel, or say, like they are all just imaginary, or ghostly, invisible.
This is part of the disconnect which I mentioned before.
I don't want the clash of devils anymore, whatsoever. 

I want to get rid of it, and if I yell or scream, or
Vent my annoyance or anger, it is just my confused reaction to all of the things that are swarming
Around in my body and brain.  Everything in my body burns with all of this, and I just want this burning to
Go away.
I realize, and am writing this, to vent my confusion, try to make sense of all of these things, and to 
Do what I know will work, and have said will work, but was too afraid and busy and confused to do:
Simply talk, and explain the true true feelings that dwell within me, 
And get to the core of things.

I don't think that we should live as enemies, to threaten with words, or make fun of, or be childish, or
threaten with items even, even if any of these threats are empty.

The only way is to talk and sift and sort.  Pick the issues one by one, and analyze them to create the most inter-personal
And well thought out conclusion that is best for everyone.

I know that things seem bad, and Katy hitting a kitten is bad, and I wasn't looking, but
I think that you were holding it up to her, instigating.  There's no denying this was the case, 
If you were doing this.  You might have been asking for it, but it's a moot point now.  What matters
Is that things are handled in the best way.  Think about the possibilities, it might have been a knee jerk
Reaction, as she was concentrating.  I don't think she meant to hurt any animal.
But, was it still wrong?  Yes.  What is right and wrong is the topic of my Philosophy: Ethics class

Even when I am combating you or ignoring you, or trying to defend myself against you, I am still running.  
This is what I hope will solve it all.
What I am writing her is me stopping running.  I hope and pray and have faith  that this will start
Us, and all of us, on uniting and get rid of all of these problems and hate, etc.

This is the only way to solve it.  Spouting words, no matter if it is me or anyone, or if they are nice
Or if I get mad after trying to say something nice or serious, at you if you don't respond in
A good way or don't listen to any of it, is not going to help.

May we hug and try.